The New World Order Really Doesn’t Want You To Eat Raw Eggs

I’ve decided I do not give a single solitary fuck about advertisement revenue. The stoked wallet store provides so I will speak truth in any way I can. The “current thing” for a few weeks was egg prices. Let’s go through what we know now.

For weeks a virulent Chicken Flu was wiping out flocks of chickens, people were reporting their chickens were not laying eggs (anecdotally a few of my neighbors had this happen to their chickens), and there were some fires at chicken farms which the NFPA (via a guy in Boston who has covered topics such as food facility fires last spring and that very suspicious explosion in Beirut) said was not out of the ordinary.

NBC News “investigated” the claim and according to an assistant professor of communications from Israel “we are sometimes vulnerable to the randomness of nature.” Millions of farmers suddenly lose egg producing capacity for a myriad of reasons. Luckily CBS parroted the same story because thinking there is something bigger at play would be extremely dangerous to our democracy. I can’t think of why Purina (parent company Land O’Lakes) and Tractor Supply (a company which stocks many private labels) were the only feeds this was reported in.

Strong performance in Crop Inputs was driven by higher proprietary volumes, innovation and a rich product mix in crop protection, in addition to higher earnings from retail joint ventures. This was partially offset by lower earnings in Animal Nutrition due to margin compression in premix and milk replacer, as well as lower volumes in formula feed. 

Q3 Earnings Release Purina

Am I saying Beth Ford who champions the cooperative of farmers took a margin compressed category on their books and used it as a weapon to boost their profits in another category? No that’s completely insane. She would be the type to appease stakeholder capitalism via ESG initiatives though. Okay let’s say the feed thing was an honest mistake and not some type of cost cutting, the fires are a normal occurrence (debunked by the NFPA then rebunked by Twitter), and the Chicken Flu was also just a natural happenstance. I mean birds are dirty after all. Over 130,000 Americans get Salmonella poisoning from eggs every year. In the United States, chickens are not vaccinated against Salmonella even though eggs are washed in a process that makes the incredible edible egg’s over ~6,000 pores even more porous. In the UK where the chickens are vaccinated against Salmonella and the eggs aren’t washed the eggs can sit unrefrigerated in stores. This is both environmentally friendly for storage and would lead to far fewer cases of foodborne illness. Did I mention egg yolks have magic in them?

Yea turns out Egg Yolks have antibodies for a variety of diseases including that one Pfizer developed Paxlovid for.

There is one catch however, IgYs are extremely susceptible to heat. The same heat eggs are subjected to in the USDA regulated pasteurization process and cooking. How do you unlock the magical health benefits of eggs then? Get some vaccinated chickens with good feed (preferably garden pests) and slonk down some their eggs raw or lightly cook them. Eating raw or undercooked eggs has inherent risks blah blah legal disclaimer. I don’t know about you but I’d eat 1,000 raw eggs before eating one bottle of Just Egg*.

*Mung Bean and Canola Oil